My Teshuva

Many of my first memories took place in a baptist church in Juneau, Alaska. It's where I was introduced to Jesus and heard about God's love for the first time. It's also where my mom and step dad accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and saviour.... so I followed suit. It wasn't necessarily that I did it because they did it, but because I saw what it did to them and how it changed them, I wanted that. From that point on, I remember trying to get to know Jesus, listening intently to each and every story from the Bible I could so I could find out who this man was that I had living in my heart. My aunt and grandma were heavily involved in the church, worship leaders, children's church volunteers, and street ministry (mostly musical ministry). I always thought they were the best examples for me to imitate, because they were "good christians". My parents were also trying hard to live pure and holy lives, forsaking much of their past habits for Bibles and the prophecies within. I remember crawling out of bed and across the floor to see what they were learning about the Bible on tv, which turned out to scare the pants off of me because images of dragons with horns, lion like beasts with several heads, and other horrifying pictures flashed before my eyes. I soon learned that if you didn't truly love Jesus, you might miss the rapture and see these things for real.......... I couldn't let that happen! I was focused on DOING what was right and BEING good, at least to prove that I was good so no one could say I shouldn't go to heaven. Oh the misguided minds of young children.... or was is just me?

The 1970s version of "Left Behind" really sacred me bad, when your first thought is "Did everyone get raptured?!?!" comes to mind when you call out and no one answers right away. The scene when the little girls screams when her sister and mother don't answer her calls to them..... yeah, I did that a few times, but my cries were met with anger, frustration, and mockery. I was so very concerned with possibly being "left behind" while everyone else was actually purer in heart than I was and taken up without me. It was about then when I started paying more attention during the sermons in church. I felt more confident in my security in salvation, but I still knew I was imperfect and had problems. Several years passed and my mind was more at ease, believing I was saved and Christ's blood covered me and grace would keep me from being "left behind" because I was reading the Bible sometimes. I knew I could do more and should do more, but it wasn't necessary. During this "safe" time in my life, I allowed temptation to carry me further than it should have.... this is when I started having secret boyfriends (nothing serious, I thought... none of them ever kissed me, many of them barely even held my hand) and started wearing clothes to school or away from home that weren't modest in any way shape or form. I felt I was on the edge of being bad, but I was still a good girl. 

Into my late teens, I remember reading and hearing bits of scripture that concerned me again.... things like "I wish you were cold or hot, but because you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth." I was confused by those kind of verses, but never tried to look deeper into it so I could continue to be comfortable in the life I was living, doing what I wanted without consequences. That choice caught up with me when I sat at the dinner table one evening. My step dad confronted me about a rumor concerning my loss of virginity while I was overnight at a friend's house. I was devastated. My parents were heartbroken. It wasn't that I had sex, but that I had been found out... I wasn't the good girl I thought I was. I had deceived my family, friends, and community into thinking I was perfect (or so I thought). I began to believe lies about my character, about my spiritual life, about my intelligence. I became depressed, suicidal, and believed everyone must know my dirtiest grossest secret... I couldn't be trusted, I was disgusting,, I wasn't worth anyone's time, I didn't deserve a happy relationship with a guy, I was never going to be good enough for anyone, God saw my heart and there was no way my name would be in the Book of Life now.

Being accepted into PRBI in Alberta, Canada was the beginning of a fresh start for me. Way out there, no one would know my darkest secret, no one would know how disgusting I truly was, no one could judge me until they got to know me..... maybe I could become that good person I was supposed to be. But I chose to not worry so much about doing, but learning. I wanted to find the roots of my faith so I could figure out what I needed to know... get a firm foundation under me so I couldn't be shaken like that again.

The college was full of young people like me, lost and confused about who they were and what their purposes were in this life. The biggest question I had wasn't "Who am I?" as much as "Who is God exactly?" I wanted to get to know Him better, but I didn't understand Who He even was or if He even loved me the way pastors and peers professed He did. I still didn't get much for answers, but I learned some good bits of scripture to encourage me in times of struggle.

Then I met and married Rhys, who became my world. When he didn't fulfill my desires the way I expected him to, I had to find another person, place, or thing to make the center of my universe. God wasn't on that list, though I'd pretend he was so I could come across as good anyway. That's when I found myself looking for affection in all the wrong places, despising myself more and more, digging myself a deeper and deeper whole. I got depressed again, suicidal again, and completely disconnected from Rhys and anyone else who actually cared for me. 

The last time I left Rhys, I thought I had the chance of finding someone who would love me the way I wanted them to, because God wasn't doing it and my husband certainly wan't either. But deep down in my heart, I knew it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it.... I knew I wouldn't like where my life was heading. I knew I needed God, even though He seemed to hate me and abandoned me. Oh how wrong was I!

The day of "The Change" was the beginning of my true repentance. I finally had a desire to truly become pure, to truly find peace and joy in God and God alone! I felt like a whole person again! It was painful to admit I was wrong. It was painful to accept that I was sinning. It was painful to think that I went through all that crap to accept something that was free.... God's love was always waiting for me to grab a hold of it. I didn't know what to do with it at that point, but I knew then that God truly did love me and that He truly did have a purpose for me, and that I AM His child... and nothing and no one can ever change that.

I've found many many many areas in my heart that need cleaning out. Some more than others. Some are harder to deal with than others... the longer I've held on to the lies or sinful behavior, the harder it is to let it go. But one thing is a constant: the benefits! I can breath deep the freedom I have from different things that used to hold me down in bondage. I might struggle with a thought or two every now and then, but those things no longer control my actions and they never will, because I am secure in knowing Who I belong to. I am secure in knowing Who cares for me. I am secure in knowing that what I am doing, feeling, thinking, and saying are as close to pure as I can be right now.... even with the cobwebs and dust bunnies lurking in corners. I know that His grace is sufficient, but I also know that I can please Him by doing my best to imitate Him in all that I am. I may not be perfect, I may not be completely pure, but one day, when all things come to an end, I believe it's very possible I will be.... and all those who have chosen to walk in His ways.

The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. - Prov. 16:9

It`s been nearly 2 weeks to the hour since I gave birth to my youngest.... a girl! Hadessah Adalia! Her name is very special as Rhys and I have saved her first name since we were first married. We chose it because we thought it meant `star` like Esther (knowing it`s Esther`s original Hebrew name from before she married the king of Persia). But we found out not long after that it actually meant `myrtle tree` which has leaves the shapes of stars. We had also originally picked the name Dawn to be her middle name so she could be our little `sunshine` because her name would have meant `star` & `morning`... the sun. But God placed it on Rhys` heart to change her middle name while I was pregnant with her. He found the name Adalia and fell in love with it because of it`s meaning: God is my refuge. A friend of mine had lent me a book of Biblical baby names and I found the names we had chosen and learned something more about the middle name we had chose. According to the book, Adalia was the name of one of Haman`s sons... Haman, the man who wanted to annihilate the Hebrews in Persia when Queen Esther reined. Long since then, the name has been turned into a girl`s name. So now we have a daughter with a name with a story... a very amazing story! What I found most interesting is that most the people I`ve shared her name`s story with had no idea who Queen Esther was or anything about her story! Hadessah`s name alone is a testimony to God`s faithfulness!
Anyway! I have written out Hadessah`s birth story... it too is quite amazing and I know those who read it will be a bit shocked and surprised. If you`d rather skip that part, feel free to scroll passed the next section to continue reading today`s blog.
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This is the story of my accidental home birth with my 4th baby, Hadessah Adalia who was born December 13, 2012 at 7:10pm weighing 7lbs and measuring 50cm long.
December 12, about 9:30pm I started getting some very hard contractions. They were only every 30 minutes or so, but continued all throughout the night. I managed to sleep between some of them until 5:30am when I woke up to a very painful contraction. I realized then that laying down DID NOT work for me and it actually caused the contractions to hurt more. Being upright was the only thing that brought me any comfort.
7:30am Rhys puts me on the spot and needed an answer as to whether he was going to go to work or call in to say we're heading to the hospital. He would be driving around town doing deliveries all day and would expect to meet me at the office with our van (the work van would be left at his office so one of the other two employees could continue his work). I didn't like the idea of driving myself anywhere while having the kind of contractions I was having and I didn't know how quickly Rhys would make it back to get me to the hospital on time so I decided we'd head to the hospital right away even though I knew it was a bit too soon.
I still ended up driving our van to Rhys' office, but thankfully the contractions were far enough apart that I didn't have any while actually driving. Rhys left his work van there and we continued on to the hospital where the triage nurse checked for dilation and found that I was a "stretchy" 4cm. She sent us off to do an hours worth of walking to see if things might progress at all so we went shopping (contractions got closer 7-10 minutes apart, but they were gentler) and then we came back. The nurse checked my dilation again and felt no change, but put me on the monitors anyway to track my contractions. I had a contraction before she put the monitor on and after she took it off, but none while the monitor was on. I knew what the nurse was going to say before she could say anything, but still, I felt heart broken thinking I might "not be in labor". We had a few trips to the hospital a few weeks before that ended with me in tears as well... I had expected to leave the hospital with my baby, but labor was stopped dead in it's tracks by the end of the triage visits. This time was different, I was still contracting and they were painful! I knew I was in labor, but the nurse was convinced I wasn't (because the contractions were too far apart when I sat still).
The nurse recommended that I go home and relax and figured the baby would probably be arriving in a few days.... yes, she knew I've delivered 3 other babies.
My hope at the point was to just walk around the hospital while Rhys did some of his deliveries, that way I was in a safe place and Rhys wouldn't be far away, but I'd be able to move around and get labor going. Rhys thought the nurse had plenty of good points and agreed that I should just go home and that I probably wasn't really in labor, but maybe baby would be born in a few more days. My doula friend (Nichelle, who had sat with me through both examinations) disagreed with both the nurse and Rhys and offered to walk with me while she waited for her client's labor to pick up (she was resting at 2cm dilated and on an IV for strep B). Nichelle left for a moment to check on her client and said she'd be back after Rhys and I figured out what we were going to do. In that amount of time, the nurse came back to the lounge where Rhys and I were discussing our options and continued to feed me the same information over again (irritating me further and making me cry even more).... this apparently came across as a bad attitude and the nurse got a little cross with me (which also caused Rhys to get a little cross with me). All I could think was "PEOPLE! I know I'm in labor! I've heard everything you're telling me before! Just leave me ALONE!" I knew what my body was telling me and I knew what I needed to do, but no one was going to listen to me (Nichelle hadn't come back yet to defend me either) so I tried to calm down and accept that maybe they were right and I just wasn't going to have my baby that day. Rhys decided we just needed to leave and I would just go home and rest.
I continued to cry on the way back to Rhys' office where I dropped him off and continued contracting while driving myself the rest of the way home. Thankfully, my very good friend Jen was there taking care of my kids. I asked her to stick around in case labor picked up quickly and I had to leave right away (I would need to drive myself to Rhys' office or the hospital... or get Jen to drive me and someone else to watch the kids........... the complications of being home were the biggest reasons I wanted to stay at the hospital, just getting back into town was a hassle for everyone).
I continued to have inconsistent contractions: 7-10 minutes apart if I was moving around, 15-30 minutes apart while sitting still. At one point I tried laying down to take a nap (even if it was only 15 minutes long), but just as I started to drift off, I woke to the most painful of all contractions. Laying on my left side, I thought I could ease my back pain by raising my right leg.... boy I was wrong! The contraction hurt even more! From then on, I refused to lay down at all.
I posted updates to facebook about my labor and received a few suggestions to either relax or get labor moving along. One piece of advice really helped: I took a bath, hoping that either the contractions would ease and slow down so I could rest or help my body get into a good rhythm and aid the contractions. In the 20 minutes I was in the tub, I knew the bath wasn't going to ease anything... the contractions felt just as hard. In fact, the contractions got closer together AND harder once I got out. I knew I needed to get to the hospital now! I had talked with Rhys before I got in the tub and he'd said he wouldn't be home for at least another 50 minutes (I misheard him and thought he said 15, which sounded great to me, but he corrected me and said 50.... 5-0!... that didn't make me happy AT ALL!).
After my bath, I came out to the living room where the kids and Jen were having dinner. I had another really strong contraction and decided I'd better go to my room as the kids were getting concerned watching me breath through the contractions. I told Jen I'd take my plate of food to my room to "hide out" (I think Jen was quite concerned at this point and knew things were picking up fast). Jen was awesome! She had been keeping track of the time between contractions for me, watched how they got harder and saw how they'd slow down when I sat still.... all while taking care of my kids (and hers as well!). I don't know what I would have done without her there!
I sat on my half inflated exercise ball, finished eating, and updated facebook again and tried to text my friend Nichelle to let her know I'd be heading to the hospital as soon as Rhys got back (she was still there with her client). Jen came in to check on me after the kids finished eating. I had a few contractions right on top of eachother, there was no break. My next contraction made feel like pushing, but I was able to keep from allowing my body to do so. Rhys came through the door finally and we were faced with the decision: do we go and risk having the baby in the van on the way to the hospital or stay and call 911? Rhys wanted to leave, he just wanted to head to the hospital... I didn't know what to do so I looked to Jen to help me decide. She suggested we stay as having the baby on the way wouldn't be the best case scenario, I agreed.
As I continued to contract and force myself against the urge to push, Rhys and Jen ran around the house preparing for an emergency home birth. They got on the phone with one of the on call doctors here in Sexsmith and got the paramedics on their way.
Jen rubbed my back to ease my back pain while someone on the phone gave me instructions to get on my hands and knees. I had a hard time moving around at this point, but I did as they said. I got my bum in the air and lay my head on the floor.... this felt soooooo nice, it calmed my contractions, easing the urge to push.
I think the doctor got there soon after I got on the floor and Jen prepared the bed with blankets and towels to protect the mattress and pillows. The doctor got his instruments ready and instructed me to get on the bed. I moved as quickly as I could, knowing I'd have another contraction right away. Laying on my back, the contractions didn't feel so bad.... I was shocked. But I still felt the urge to push. I continued to breath through my contractions as the doctor checked my dilation (I think he said the waters were bulging, but didn't say how dilated I was or anything). I remember having a few more contractions, but forced myself to keep from pushing til I was given the "green light". The paramedics arrived sometime during all of this. I remember the doctor was happy to see them as they had some instruments that he didn't have and the paramedics were happy he was there as they were inexperienced.
I had another contraction and the doctor checked again as I felt a hard urge to push. He felt the baby's head was in the right position and coming down (all the boys were facing up instead of down so this was amazing to me!). He then instructed me to push with my next contraction.... oh, I was so relieved to be able to push! My water broke with that contraction and I felt the baby moving down more. I had another contraction shortly after and pushed again, feeling the baby begin to crown. I remember pushing a little and easing off, then pushing a little and easing off during each contraction so the baby could ease down. The closer she got to crowning, the more I wanted to just keep pushing, but I didn't want my body to force her out too quickly and cause trauma to either me or the baby. The doctor could see that the baby's head was just about out and encouraged me to continue pushing to get her head all the way out... it was the longest push ever, but she finally came out! I had a very small tear that didn't need stitching at all!
Hadessah was born! I watched as the doctor checked her and paramedics cleaned her off. Jen and I oogled at the fact that I finally had my baby girl.
Apparently, all the while, Rhys had been down stairs calming the kids so the moment I caught sight of him after she was born, I yelled at him to come see his daughter. He was beaming.
The placenta came out with some trouble, but after examining seemed intact. Hadessah and I passed our examinations from the doctor and were sent off in the ambulance to the hospital for all the post-natal recovery stuff.
The excitement at the hospital over my arrival was entertaining. Nurses and patients offered their congratulations and reveled in my bravery at having my baby at home. One couple stood waiting for an elevator as I passed and heard their whispers, I told them "Make it to the hospital in time." *snicker*
I ended up having a hemorrhage once we got into the L&D triage so they put me on oxytocin drip over night (which caused some really bad cramps that got worse when Hadessah nursed). They were concerned with Hadessah's blood sugar, but once she started nursing she was fine.
Hadessah nurse throughout the night and slept for several hours the next morning.
After my prenatal doctor visited and examined Hadessah and me, the pediatrician examined Hadessah, and the nurses gave us the okay, we were able to leave the hospital before lunch.
The whole experience was amazing. I know the nurse might have been wrong, I know Rhys could have made it home sooner, I know things could have gone differently had we known my labor was going to go the way it did with all the inconsistent contractions, BUT I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I am so blessed to finally have had the chance to give birth at home, I have a beautiful baby girl, and so many people helped in so many different ways! I saw God's hand in all of it and I knew what He had planned would ultimately be for my good. He is so good!
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So I ended up having Hadessah at home. I could blame Rhys, the nurse who sent me home after telling me I wasn`t in labor, or I could blame myself for choosing to go to the hospital too soon.... but instead, I choose to look at the situation as a blessing. Not only because my daughter arrived safely and I was so happy to finally have a baby girl, but because it`s exactly what God had planned. He also had planned to allow me to have an infection... it sucks to have to go through something like that, but His plan is always perfect and meant for the good of those who love Him. I was actually quite thankful to have 2 days to rest and bond on my own with Hadessah and to pray and think on things. It was stressful for my husband and my kids... and those who lent a helping hand, but those things were out of my control and I knew God was in control there too. The Lord blessed me by showing me just how loved I truly am by those around me (and those close to my heart, but far away). I`m so very thankful for those amazing people God has put into my life! 

Who am I?

I had longed to be a mother since I was very very young. At the age of nine, I was dreaming about birthing children. At the age of 16, I had already chosen the names I wanted for my children... I was 8 when I discovered the first name I would save until the child it belonged to could be born. Even though I had never experienced being around pregnant women, watched a mother nurse her infant, or held a tiny baby; I knew it was my purpose in life to become a mother and nurture my children. It is the biggest desire of my heart: to be Mommy.
As a child, I remember falling in love with my baby dolls and giving them names, pretending that they were real and truly needed me and my love. I'd force my siblings to play house and I would be the mommy. I was extremely bossy.... but I thought that's what mommies were supposed to do.
I was the girl at church that volunteered in nursery and children's church, didn't care if I got paid for babysitting because I enjoyed it so much, and spent as much time around little ones as I could.
It had been engrained into my vary being that I was to care for God's precious ones. He had created me with a huge compassionate heart toward children, babies especially.
As I grew into teen-hood, I found the sight of pregnant women to be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't wait to get married and experience pregnancy for myself. When I began dating my first serious boyfriend, I had decided how old I'd be when we got married, how old I'd be when we started having children (which was later than I really wanted to as he wanted to wait to have kids til we were older and financially stable, but I just didn't want to wait). I had even figured out how many kids would be the perfect number to have: 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. How silly I was for thinking I could control any of those things much less just getting married.
When the relationship between my first boyfriend and I ended, my dreams of being married seemed almost impossible. Right out of high school, I decided to send myself to college... the college my ex-boyfriend and I were supposed to have attended together. The college, however, was thousands of miles away from home in Alberta, Canada, where I knew no one but my pastor's son. Before leaving for college, I felt drawn to leave home and find God and learn more about who Christ defines me as... a relationship with a guy was the last thing I wanted to pursue after the experience I had with my resent breakup.
College was intimidating. It wasn't only that the classes were more difficult than I had thought, but also that I was putting myself through college and FAR from home. I missed my family terribly and didn't know how difficult it would be to stretch the money I had made while finishing high school. God was there though. He knew what I needed and provided exactly what I needed when I needed it. I made some very good friends and connected with a family that treated me as one of their own while I was away from home.
The classes didn't seem to make as much of an impact on my future as the relationships I made with people in the 2 years that I was there. BUT I did learn quite a bit about God's word and studied it and began to understand God's unfailing love that He has for me.
My biggest struggle during that time was learning to have a servants heart and participating in PWE (Practical Work Experience) whether I wanted to or not. The students at college had all been assigned different jobs around campus to help keep the tuition prices low. They use the resumes from each student to determine where they'd best fit and because I had a resume full of janitorial experience, they put me on bathroom duty. I was selected with one other student to clean the bathrooms in the cafeteria and later the bathrooms on the second floor of the main building, the bathrooms in one of the dorms, and the bathrooms in one of the school buildings. It most definitely was difficult to motivate myself, but I was able to keep up with the demand for my first year. My second year was a different story.
Halfway through my first year, I was introduced to someone I thought to be very preppy and intimidating. He was tall, his facial hair made him seem older and a little rough around the edges, with a sturdy frame, and a light hearted attitude. My first impression was, "This guy is different." But of course, at the time, I wanted nothing to do with dating so that hadn't even entered my mind. Rhys quickly became part of my group of friends and we found ourselves hanging out quite often. There were times when he'd offer to take me into to town so I could buy some new pants or winter gear (I had to walk from my dorm a ways away from the main building even in -50 weather). One time, I remember being invited to see a movie at the theater and Rhys was planning on taking a car full of people, but when the time came to leave, I was the only one in the car with him. I found that odd, but I was excited to get off campus and enjoy myself for the night. The movie was "The Core" and I didn't realize what the rating was, but I knew it would be a bit of a scarey movie... I just thought I could handle it. BUT half way through the movie, I ducked my head away during a scarey scene and felt a hand over my eyes.... because I had turned toward Rhys and he noticed my sensitivity, he used his hand to shield my eyes. Another scene caused me to do the same again and this time Rhys not only covered my eyes, but kissed the top of my head as well. These things caught me off guard, and having not experienced anything like this, I wasn't sure what to do about it or what to say. It wasn't something I didn't like, but it wasn't something I had expected or really wanted to happen either. Being the silly naive girl I was, I just allowed things to happen they way they did and I'd deal with them later after I had a good long think about it. After the movie, we left the theater hand in hand. Rhys announced that we had made a decision and we assumed the title of "couple". That was March 23rd, 2003.
At my dorm room, getting ready for bed that night, I thought and thought and wondered and prayed. I was so confused. I wasn't at college to start a new relationship. I wasn't prepared to connect myself to someone else yet, I was still trying to figure out who I was in Christ. What was I supposed to do? Was this God or me?
The next time Rhys and I went into to town, I said a quick prayer as he filled his car up at a store gas station. I asked that God would give me a sign, like that of the wet fur and dry ground. I prayed God would give me a rose. Then I decided I needed to pray for a specific color of rose so I chose red. Then I quickly changed my mind when I realized that I didn't want just red, because red symbolizes passion. I wanted a white rose that symbolizes purity. Yes, a white rose of purity. Rhys came back from the store after paying for the gas and handed me the biggest PINK rose I'd ever seen. PINK! What was I supposed to do with this??? It wasn't EXACTLY what I had asked for so it must not have been from God......... then conviction set in and I realized that God had put both passion and purity into the rose and made a HUGE statement with the size of the rose He gave me. Yes, this relationship was God's choice for me, not mine. This was God's plan for me, not just mine. This was His promise to me.
Sometime before my first year at college ended, Rhys and I made the decision that we were meant to be together and would be married after my second year of college. We set the date for July 10th, 2004 because it was almost dead center between our birthdays and it would give us time to prepare for the wedding when college ended.
Saying goodbye that first time was so hard for me. It wasn't that I was afraid I'd never see him again, I had just grown so close to him, seeing him every day for a few months on end to suddenly be without him was hard to accept. He was now my world.
That second year of college was a huge blur for me. I was planning my wedding, trying to keep up with my courses and other responsibilities as an upper class-men. I still had PWE to deal with, but now I was in charge of a group of people... I was supposed to hold meetings and support each of my underlings so they were motivated to do their jobs (unlike I was myself). I slacked so much in my job that I was demoted and put under strict surveillance to ensure that I did what I was instructed. I even underwent psych-therapy to figure out how to deal with my emotions in a more manageable way. To me, it was one more thing to add to my plate, but in the long run, it did help me understand that I can control how I feel and I can work through things using God's word as truth to measure my thoughts against.
When that school year finally ended, I was relieved and so very excited to get ready to start my life with Rhys.
You can read about our wedding day here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/july-10-2004.html
When Rhys and I had first married, I was far from home again, only this time, it was permanent. I began to miss my family back in Alaska very badly. It was torturous some days. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a vehicle, I didn't know hardly anyone in the area we lived. The only people I remotely knew was Rhys' family, which consisted of his parents who were much older than my own, his sister who is 1 year younger than my mother, his nephew and niece, and a few of his friends that didn't seem to care to much to get to know me at all. I felt so out of place. I felt so alone. I felt that if I could just have a baby, then at least I'd have someone with me at all times that would love me back the way I want them to. Rhys was always working it seemed and once we got married, things changed in our relationship. We treated each other differently. I didn't understand, I was so very confused, and had so many expectations that weren't being met.... in fact, I felt stepped on and used.
You can read about my struggle further here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/so-jacob-served-seven-years-for-rachel.html
February 4, 2007 changed our relationship again. This time, I understood better what my role as "wife" was and how I fit into this world. More importantly, I FINALLY knew better who I was through Christ and began to understand how God truly feels about me as His child.
The next stage in my life was also a struggle, but it was a short stage. Coming to grips with the possibility that I may not have been created to bear children, that I my not have my own flesh and blood to raise. You can read about that here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/so-she-said-to-abram-lord-has-kept-me.html

All Good Things Are Worth Waiting For

Abigail, though far away, continued to grow in our hearts. We thought about her and prayed for her, knowing God had a purpose for her in our lives some how. The contact between Susan and I had dwindled down to nil during my pregnancy with Evan, so we had no way of knowing if Abigail was okay or even still with her mother. But one day (I'm not sure if it was before or after Evan was born), out of the blue, Susan wrote an apology letter meant only for Rhys and I. She sent it to a mutual friend of ours who was then instructed to deliver her message to us when he felt the time was right. After reading her letter and responding with forgiveness and love, the silence between us continued. The letter confirmed to me that Susan isn't all bad. She has good in her. I still understood that she was continuing on a path she set for herself... a bumpy, rough, and painful road.
You see, Susan grew up feeling unloved and rejected from her family. She left home as a young teen, lived a homeless life on the streets of Halifax and found herself pregnant and alone. The men in her life have never been the kind to commit or even treat her with respect... perhaps it might have been that she didn't even respect herself, I don't know. The life she led up to the point that I met her was not one made with wise or healthy choices and she had already begun to pay for those mistakes. As a young teen mother, Susan struggled. She could barely care for herself and yet had to care for her young son as well. Sadly, she lost her son in a court battle with his father, but the most painful blow for her was the support of her own mother was focused on her opponent. The emotional turmoil continued to build against her mother and drove them apart even further. Years passed and Susan found herself pregnant again. In March 2005, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with big brown eyes. Abigail was welcomed into the world by what seemed to be a stable family: her mother and her mother's boyfriend (who, even though he wasn't the father, stuck by Susan throughout her pregnancy). This is about where I came into the picture. Since I've known Susan, she's gone back and forth between different men, but continued to come back to the guy who stuck by her during her pregnancy with Abi. From what I understand, her life began spiralling downward faster when she returned to Martin the last time. The lack of care and love Abi received from that point on got worse and worse... which indicated to me that Susan was struggling to get a grip on even just taking care of herself again and that she wasn't coping well with the stresses of motherhood (having never cared for a child as old as Abigail was and dealing with the trials that come with the toddler and preschool years). Part of me felt bad for her, because she didn't have the support of a strong family or community network to help her raise her child.
When a mutual friend of Susan's and mine informed me that she and Abigail had returned to our town and were homeless once again, I felt obligated to step in and help. My only set back was knowing how she had used and abused the love and support we'd given her before... which is why I chose to wait a few weeks until I just couldn't stand it any longer. I had to help, I couldn't not help. Not only did Susan need my help, but Abigail needed help.
Before Susan returned this time, she had just ended things once and for all with Martin (which confused and hurt Abigail more than Susan will probably ever know). She and Abigail left with basically the clothes on their bodies and whatever they could pack into Susan's backpack. They had stayed with a few different friends, sleeping on couches and floors. Because Susan didn't have an income, she couldn't afford an apartment. Because they didn't have an apartment, Abi couldn't go to kindergarten in the fall. Also, Abi desperately needed more clothes, because she hadn't been fully potty trained and her soiled clothes were just being thrown out. Before I caught up with her, Susan was able to use her connection with a friend of a friend to acquire a cheap apartment. With the apartment came more needs: beds, furniture, food... even little things like a garbage can, pots and pans, dishes, and toys and clothes for Abigail.
Knowing some of this, I couldn't just leave things the way they were. I felt I needed to get involved and so did Rhys. After much discussion, we decided that it would be a good idea if I babysat for Susan while she job hunted. We also gathered as many donations of clothes, dishes, and other things for their apartment as we could from our generous friends, to ensure that they were fitted at least with the necessities.
I had hoped that my influence would have some effect on Susan and the way she cared for Abigail, but with Susan it was hard to tell if you were really getting through or she was just putting on an act to make you feel better about what you were doing to help her so she could continue to use you in whatever way she could bend you. I believe there were times when she truly did feel convicted for the way she treated Abi after seeing how I took care of my sons.
I remember hearing Abigail say depressing things like how she believed her mother just didn't love her anymore, to which I'd reply, "She's stressed out with job hunting and just trying to be a better mother. She really is trying." But on the inside, at the time, I wasn't completely sure if Susan really was doing what she could to be a better mother or even take care of herself. It broke my heart to hear Abi say those things, but I didn't want to think she really meant them... I went with the idea that she was over dramatising things.
Later on, I'd find out otherwise.
So many times, when Abi was younger when I was taking care of her, I wished I could just keep her as my own. During this time in 2010, I continued to feel that way and just wanted to take her home with me to stay forever. It was as though I knew she was supposed to be my child, but someone else had legal rights to her.
When Susan finally opened up to me and told me all the things she'd been doing and that she truly was convicted for treating Abi that way and wanted to avoid the possibility of making things any worse, my heart lept out of my chest for a moment. But internally, I stopped to think a moment. Our very close friends were hoping to adopt one day, they knew Abi (not well, but they knew her)... they would be good candidates to take Abi in. Or what about Maylea, our mutual friend that introduced us so many years before... she was single now and seemed to love Abi nearly as much as I did. I couldn't forget about all the people throughout Abi's life that have expressed their love and concern for Abi... one of them should at least be given the opportunity to take Abi in so she would be able to ease into their family comfortably, having known them for so long and knowing that they truly do care for her. I made mention to Susan that there were many people that loved Abi dearly and would take her in, trying to divert her from just dropping Abi off in a foster home. It didn't seem like it made Susan uncomfortable to think someone she knew could take Abigail and after a long discussion with her, it was clear to me that Abigail couldn't stay even one more night in that apartment with her mother. I offered to bring Abi home with me (after talking it over with Rhys, of course), not knowing if it would be permanent or temporary. Susan agreed.
I have never seen someone so emotionless during such a life changing moment as we packed up all of Abigail's belongings, buckled her into my van, and drove away. Susan and Abigail both did not shed a tear, barely even hugged good-bye, and cared nothing about seeing each other for days after. But to me, the most important thing was: now Abi is safe! I didn't even think for the first few weeks that we might be adopting her, because as far as I knew, Susan would be getting her life in order and returning for her daughter. That wasn't the case.
I could sense that Susan wasn't going to change, though I had high hopes that she would. Something inside of me said that Susan was going to be gone for a long time, I just didn't know how long.
I remember seeing her off as she headed to Calgary, expecting to be back the following summer. Before she left, I did ask her to report herself for what she'd done to Abi, but her response was cold and unattached to Abi... she didn't want to go back to jail and would do whatever she could to avoid it. I had hoped that she would take responsibility for her actions toward Abigail, because if she didn't, I would have to in obligation to the law.
Reporting Susan was one of the most difficult choices I've ever made. I knew it would mean severing our friendship, but Abigail's safety was worth it to me. Protecting Abigail was my priority, but no amount of pleading and encouragement would show Susan that I wasn't doing this to hurt her, but to help her... it would have been the first step toward reconciliation between her and her daughter. It would have been her first step onto the right path in life and get things back on track with God. I did it because I love her and want the best for her AND for Abigail.
Once the report was given, things changed and Abigail's stay with us began to look more and more permanent. The courts approved guardianship and parenting orders to ensure we'd have the rights we needed to care for Abi legally. The only thing missing, according to my heart, was a legal document stating that Abigail had become a Johnson.
In December of 2010, Rhys and I both felt it was time to accept that Abigail should be part of our family indefinitely, permanently, perpetually, continually, officially... forever. So we attempted to begin that process, but repeatedly failed to even get it started because Susan was unreachable (emotionally, physically, and through communication). We couldn't complete the forms without something from one or both parents.
Two years have passed now. We gained contact to several of Susan's family members and 'friends', but none of them could help us much more than providing their own accounts as witnesses for court (which we ended up not needing). We have even gone as far as going through Legal Aid and attaining a lawyer to go to battle to keep Abigail from Susan (who attempted to revoke our guardianship rights). Though Susan had been granted visitations, we had also been granted permission to travel across the boarder with Abi. A few months ago, Susan began to cancel her visitations with Abi, even though Abi seemed to enjoy them and was happy to see her mother again... we had noticed that after being accident free for over a year, Abi was back to pooping and peeing her pants when her mother came back into her life in November 2011.
Since the cancellations, Susan has dropped off the face of the earth again and PACE (the organisation that supervises visits between children and estranged parents/family members) has decided to discontinue further visitations between Susan and Abigail... first of all, because of Susan's lack of interest in her daughter over the course of 2 months and secondly, because Abigail wasn't fairing the visits well (with the accidents and some of the things Susan would say during the visits, among other things).
Thankfully, Abigail has been doing much better and has been growing and changing and become much more stable in her place in our family (legal/official or not).
As I've said many times before: when we decided to adopt Abigail, we knew it wouldn't be easy with the way that Susan is, but no matter how long it takes, we're in it for the long haul. Until then, we will continue to believe and live our lives as though Abi already is a Johnson.... I'm just excited to think that she may one day soon have a piece of paper that states it legally. Because, Abi is our little girl. She has been since God placed her in our hearts many years ago. We believe He's prepared us for her from the very beginning.... having waited 3 years to have our first child only to find out that our first child was actually born 8 months after Rhys and I were married, she was just with another family until a time when our Father in heaven saw it fit to place her in our arms. We've waited this long, we can wait as long as it takes... Abigail is worth it!

She said to Abram, “The LORD has kept me from having children." ~ Genesis 16:2b

After Susan took Abi and left for Halifax, the two of them remained in my heart and prayers. I longed to see Abi and how she'd grown and changed, but even though Susan kept me on her social network online and I was able to see a few pictures, I still felt so disconnected. At least Susan hadn't completely eliminated me from contact, for that I was grateful.In April 2007, I noticed a difference in my body. My appetite had grown, I had gained a few pounds, my cycle had gone longer than normal, and I was feeling a little under the weather. I didn't want to get my hopes up in case my mind was playing tricks on me again.
Before I could find out for sure if I was pregnant, I went to a women's retreat to Lake Louise for the weekend, expecting to see my hopes dashed out that Sunday morning. The weekend went slowly and all I could think of while attending services, exploring trails with the other ladies, and laying awake in bed was whether there was a child growing secretly in my belly.
When I had finally returned home, I bought a double home pregnancy test kit and took the first test in secret the next morning, as my body had left me in suspense. I planned to save the second test for when Rhys got home that night so I could prepare myself for the results with the first test, expecting to see yet another negative.
Leaving the stick on the bathroom counter for the recommended 30 seconds, I tried my best not to stair at it, wishing for a clear +. I averted my attention to my complexion in the mirror, took note of the look on my face and changed the expression to that of a more natural, gentle smile as opposed to the grim, scared look of worry. Pleased with the appearance, I took a glance down at the now fully developed test. The vertical line was very clear, it was only after I lifted the tiny instrument and examined it more closely that the results were entirely visible. A very faint horizontal line appeared within the same window as the bold vertical line. Surprize, shock, and delight hit me all at once. I doubted the test briefly, wondering if the test might be defective and show a false positive. My excitement peaked when Rhys arrived home for lunch that afternoon and demanded that I take the test right away. Unknowing that I had tested once before, he waited as patiently as he could. The second test revealed yet another faint horizontal line along with a very strong vertical line. Rhys was puzzled.
It pleased me greatly to share the news with him allowed, "We're pregnant!"
Again, I saw that unforgettable smile on his face. At that moment, God's miracles became reality in our lives.
It was a special time for us to find out we were pregnant, having lost my Grandpa Elmer the month before, 3 months after Rhys and I reunited, nearly 3 years since we'd been married, and in the year of 2007 (7 being one of God's favorite numbers to use when describing holy things). It gave us an even greater appreciation for parenthood and probably an even greater joy than most parents at the first news of their first fruits. I was told I couldn't have kids, but here I was: pregnant!
God had kept us from having children up to this point for a reason. We still didn't fully understand why, but we knew then that there was a purpose... that there IS a purpose in EVERYTHING that God does.

Now the LORD was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him. - Gen. 21:1-3

Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.” - Gen. 21:6-7

The Lost

After Rhys and I had returned home from my first escape, but before The Change, I met Susan. She was friends through work with a friend of mine from college. They met while working at a day care and I remember meeting her for the first time at my friend's house for a sleep over/girl's night kind of thing. She had a daughter close to a year old with big brown eyes and an adventurous spirit, Abigail. At the time, Sue was living with a guy who in my opinion was a really rough and hard to get to know kind of guy. At first, Sue and I didn't hang out much, but we'd gotten to know each other through work as I started working at the day care as well. Things between Sue and her boyfriend were getting a little scary when his friend moved in with them and the two men would go out drinking a lot. Sue was scared for herself and Abi's safety as her boyfriend's friend would get a bit violent so one night, my friend and I decided to stay the night with Sue to keep her company and support... and be on hand to get her and Abi out of there or call the RCMP if needed. That night was long, but thankfully, there was no violent confrontation and no one was harmed. Shortly after that, Sue and her boyfriend broke up and she started work elsewhere and I lost contact with her.
A few months later, after The Change, word reached me that Susan and Abigail were homeless. Sue was staying in a shelter while Abi was in foster care. When I contacted Susan and invited her and Abigail over for dinner, I found out that Abi had been in the hospital for dehydration and other problems. I believe this was sometime in February 2007. After being out of contact for so long and learning of this devastating news, Rhys and I decided to offer Sue and Abi our spare room and a place to live until Susan could support herself and Abi. Sue accepted. Her first night with us, I shared about The Change and explained that I would have been dead had it not been for God in my life. Hearing this, Susan seemed eager to have what I do and asked Christ to be her Lord and Savior that night.
During her stay with us, Susan told me about a pregnancy she had lost while Abi was in the hospital and the father whom she had just found out was happily married with children. We tried our best to support her as she wrote an apology letter to the man's wife and broke the relationship off, releasing him to the destruction he set before himself. It was no doubt a trying time for Susan and Abigail.
I took care of Abigail during the day and acted as chauffeur for Susan as she went to job interviews and started to work. It had been almost 3 years since Rhys and I got married and started waiting for a child from God, but there was nothing... only tears and painful cramps at the end of every cycle. But caring for Abi and helping her mother held the pain of my infertility at bay for a short time and I felt happy whether I had children or not. Abigail was sweet, enjoyed music, playing, coloring, and I enjoyed watching her descover. Susan worked early hours and was able to come home in the afteroon. We had a few house rules for Susan before she agreed to move in, but she didn't respect them during her stay. The first rule was that we expected her home before midnight so we could lock the door. Another rule was that she refrain from being alone with any men in our house. We had also requested that she pay a small rent fee, because our landlord expected the rent to go up if we housed another person in our apartment. In my mind, they were low expectations that were easy to accomplish. In Susan's mind they were not.
I began to realize that Susan would watch as Abi made messes, ignored her needs, and rarely picked her up to cuddle her when she was around Abi. She just didn't seem attached to Abi at all. I also noticed that Abi wouldn't cry seeing her mother leave or get excited to see her return. Abi wasn't connected to her mother.
Susan would meet up with "friends" after work and stay out all night, using our "curfew" as an excuse to stay the night with someone. There were a few times I wasn't even sure if she was coming back. I didn't hear from her for a few days and I was left caring for her daughter.
I loved taking care of Abigail, day and night. She warmed my heart and made me feel needed, which was huge for me at that time as I was looking for purpose in my life. She made sense to me and so my attachment to her began.
Over the course of a few days, Susan got restless and irritated with our rules. She and I did not see eye to eye anymore and Rhys and I were left with no other choice than to tell her to leave and move on. It broke my heart that I lost a friend. I had never expereinced a relationship like this before. No one had ever been so negative towards me before. Lossing contact with Abigail was painful as well. I felt as though I had lost my child in a custody battle and I was doomed to never see her again.

Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her. - Genesis 28:20

The first year of our marriage was full of ups and downs, more downs than ups for me. Rhys was unaware of the secrets I held in my heart, but he knew I wanted children and that I missed familiar faces. A few months before our fist anniversary, we moved to Grande Prairie to be closer to friends of ours so I might feel more comfortable and miss ``home`` less. It definately wasn`t home to me so I had left expecting never to return to Rhys or Canada for that matter.
I returned to my childhood home in Alaska, but much had changed in the three years since I left for college in Canada. My sister and brother were different people, my parents had seemed to grow distant from eachother., my friends and even the church family I grew up with had changed and evolved so much I no longer felt I truly knew any of them. Upon my arrival I had an uneasy feeling that I simply no longer belonged there. Rhys most definately had the same feeling as he took time off work, drove the three or four thousand miles alone, and personally, face to face, pleaded to save our marriage.
I was reluctant at first, but after he had discovered the hiddne affair I started before leaving Canada, I felt obligated to come clean and start fresh. We reconsiled and returned home, more awkward than before, Rhys unable to trust and me unwilling to accept him as the man God meant for me.

Our third Christmas was upon us and I was secretly planning another escape while we waited on the results of our fertility tests. Rhys had passed his test, but mine was announced to be `unexplainable infertility`. The news sent me reeling. I don`t believe I had ever been so angry with God in all my life. I dreampt about giving birth at the young age of nine years old. I believed it was my purpose in life. To be a mother was all I ever wanted and God had denied me the ability, the privilage of bearing my own children.
With that knowledge, it was easier to carry out my plans to leave Rhys once and for all and start a new life with someone that knew nothing of my past and dirty secrets.
I had written a letter, packed my things, and began my treck south to become the bride of a soldier in the US army, who was preparing to deploy to Germany and take me with him to live on base. He was sweet and protective and knew that Rhys wasn`t the husband I wanted. He proffessed his love for me and that he would treat me better and love me with more passion than Rhys ever could. In my weakest moment, I clung to this hope of romance, excited to become a new person.
Along my way, I made an over night stop in Edmonton and began to make myself comfortable in the room of the cheapest motel I could find. Earlier, I recieved a text message from a friend I respected and looked upto, much like an older brother. To protect his identity, I will name him Adam for the sake of this story. Adam expressed his hope to at least say good bye before I moved on with my life forever. I couldn`t refuse. He had been a great friend to this point and I saw no harm in allowing myself this final moment of companionship with someone from what I expected to be part of my `soon to be put behind me` past. The drive from Grande Prairie to Edmonton isn`t a short or pleasant one at any time of day, let-alone at night when the sun and its cheeriness has sunk below the skyline.
Adam drove this dreary road for hours before finally reaching my room late that night. He brought with him the promises God had for me since the beginning of time and a determination to restore me to my Father`s embrace.
Undaunted by what Adam shared or the thought of what Rhys might be going through, my plans didn`t change. I took a call from the soldier on his way to sweep me off my feet. After telling him about the dear friend who stopped in to say good bye and visit with me for one last time, the soldier became extremely jealous and angry that I would allow another man into my room. Belittled, I pleaded and wept, hoping this man would have mercy on me for the sacrifices I was making inorder to give myself to him. He continued to spew hurtful words, told me he was getting back on the road to meet me and that it wouldn`t be long and he`d be there by morning. After a uncarrying `I love you`, we said good bye and I returned to my room where Adam sat confused and filled with compassion.
``Cassie, that was not you.`` He said. I began to understand that I was being manipulated and if this man and I were to physically meet, I honestly couldn`t predict if he would rape and murder me or not.
The night wore on and I grew tired. Taking the queen size bed for myself, Adam respectfully took the small loveseat for his bed and we slept, me more than him as his heart was burdened with concern for me.
The next morning, I awoke and turned to Adam who said, "I still have a bad feeling." This I tried to ignore and continued to go about my plans. Adam offered to take me to breakfast at a nearby resturant, willingly, I accepted, considering I had spent my last few dollars getting to the motel. I couldn`t eat, even with the hunger in my belling causing voicturous groans.
Adam would not let his concern for me go unvoiced and continued to try to convince me the path I was on would only end in pain and death. He reminded me of my choice to follow Christ and the claim to the inheritence meant only for royalty in the spiritual realms. He told me to just let go of my plans and come back to Grande Prairie, whether to go back to Rhys or not. I only wept in reply, feeling the tug on my heart to do what God was asking of me, but to stubborn to give up my dream life. I continued to cry even as we left the resturaunt and got back into Adam's truck.
We drove until we came to a stop light where Adam again instructed me to let go of my desire and do what was right, but I began to sob even more. Repeatedly, he pleaded with me to change my heart and the tears continued to pour. I wept uncontrollably, my shoulders heaving as I gasped for air between bellows. To this day, I have never cried harder than at that moment. I felt a fight within me, the roar of my selfish desires desperately trying to distract me from the gentle call to aim myself down the path of righteousness.
Adam found a parking lot and pulled over, giving me his full attention, still pleading. I refused to change my will, I would cling to this plan of mine until there was nothing left of me. Finally, Adam begins to pray allowed, pleading that God would reach through to me. He asked once again that I change my mind.
I replied with, ``I can`t!``
His response was, ``Pray for the will to then.``
Silently, mentally I cast up a simple prayer asking God to give me the will to change. Instantly, the tears stopped. My breathing regulated. My heart no longer pounded. I was quite. As if a light has been switched off, my sobbing had stopped. I remember sensing a peace stronger than any peace I could imagine at that moment. My mind was clear and I knew what I needed to do.
Looking at Adam, I told him I was ready. He began to lead me through the prayer that changed my life and opened my eyes, breaking the bonds that held be at bay for so long. I asked God for forgiveness, recommitted my life to Christ, and never turned back.
From that point on, I have been on a new journey, a path to discovering who I truly am and the true purpose God has for my life. I wasn`t conserned with Rhys or the soldier. I felt I was a new person and needed the chance to find myself before reconnecting to anyone, even my husband. It was as if I were the daughter of a king, betrothed to a man all my life, but waiting for the day of our union.
A young woman, not much older than myself, offered a place for me to stay and recoop when I arrived back in Grande Prairie. She lived in a basement suit with a small bed and devider to provide me my own space. While there, I learned the importance of one on oone time with my Lord and Savior and how much of a relationship it really is. Before ``The Change`` I felt like a goldfish and God fed me to keep me happy, but stirred my water when I wasn`t pleasing Him. Leonna was so in love with Christ and had a deeper relationship with God than most christians I had met. She would talk openly to Him throughout the day, no matter where she was. Her apartment was her cackoon and she was a beautiful butterfuly being prepared to be released into her destiny.
There was one day when Leonna and i returned home, with Adam over for a visit. We decided to have a prayer time when we felt the need to pray for eachother. Leonna had a pain in her side, having as sense it was more than her own pain, she asked if my stomach ached as well. I was taken aback, unsure what to think, but my stomach had ached much of my adult life to that point (a dull pain, but nothing disruptive for me). I never thought much of it until afterwords. Leonna placed a hand on the right side of my lower abdomine where I indicated the pain was and she began to pray over me. I don`t know how long we prayed, but we ended up on our knees in worship by the end. I wouldn`t realize the difference in my body for some months, but there was a difference... I`ll refer back to this shortly.
In February 2007, I woke up on the first Sunday of the month with the notion that it was finally the day I would reunite with my husband. Up until that day, Rhys and I had been casually dating and he was not sure when we would be together again as man and wife. That morning, I shared my news with Leonna and her happiness for me overflowed through tears of joy and embraces, giggles, and joyful thought sof our reunion. We packed my belongings and set them at the door of our apartment. I dressed myself in the best outfit I had, fixed my hair, put a little make up on and prepared myself for the special occassion almost as if it were my wedding day all over again.
Church ended and we invited Rhys to the apartment for lunch where he was greeted by my luggage. The smile he gave me then has stuck with me ever since, it was more joy I had seen than even the day we had wed a few short years before.
Returning home with my husband that day was so much better than that of our honeymoon. My heart was over joyed and filled with love and happiness for my husband and our new life together as man and wife centered on the Rock, Jesus Christ.