Who am I?

I had longed to be a mother since I was very very young. At the age of nine, I was dreaming about birthing children. At the age of 16, I had already chosen the names I wanted for my children... I was 8 when I discovered the first name I would save until the child it belonged to could be born. Even though I had never experienced being around pregnant women, watched a mother nurse her infant, or held a tiny baby; I knew it was my purpose in life to become a mother and nurture my children. It is the biggest desire of my heart: to be Mommy.
As a child, I remember falling in love with my baby dolls and giving them names, pretending that they were real and truly needed me and my love. I'd force my siblings to play house and I would be the mommy. I was extremely bossy.... but I thought that's what mommies were supposed to do.
I was the girl at church that volunteered in nursery and children's church, didn't care if I got paid for babysitting because I enjoyed it so much, and spent as much time around little ones as I could.
It had been engrained into my vary being that I was to care for God's precious ones. He had created me with a huge compassionate heart toward children, babies especially.
As I grew into teen-hood, I found the sight of pregnant women to be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't wait to get married and experience pregnancy for myself. When I began dating my first serious boyfriend, I had decided how old I'd be when we got married, how old I'd be when we started having children (which was later than I really wanted to as he wanted to wait to have kids til we were older and financially stable, but I just didn't want to wait). I had even figured out how many kids would be the perfect number to have: 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. How silly I was for thinking I could control any of those things much less just getting married.
When the relationship between my first boyfriend and I ended, my dreams of being married seemed almost impossible. Right out of high school, I decided to send myself to college... the college my ex-boyfriend and I were supposed to have attended together. The college, however, was thousands of miles away from home in Alberta, Canada, where I knew no one but my pastor's son. Before leaving for college, I felt drawn to leave home and find God and learn more about who Christ defines me as... a relationship with a guy was the last thing I wanted to pursue after the experience I had with my resent breakup.
College was intimidating. It wasn't only that the classes were more difficult than I had thought, but also that I was putting myself through college and FAR from home. I missed my family terribly and didn't know how difficult it would be to stretch the money I had made while finishing high school. God was there though. He knew what I needed and provided exactly what I needed when I needed it. I made some very good friends and connected with a family that treated me as one of their own while I was away from home.
The classes didn't seem to make as much of an impact on my future as the relationships I made with people in the 2 years that I was there. BUT I did learn quite a bit about God's word and studied it and began to understand God's unfailing love that He has for me.
My biggest struggle during that time was learning to have a servants heart and participating in PWE (Practical Work Experience) whether I wanted to or not. The students at college had all been assigned different jobs around campus to help keep the tuition prices low. They use the resumes from each student to determine where they'd best fit and because I had a resume full of janitorial experience, they put me on bathroom duty. I was selected with one other student to clean the bathrooms in the cafeteria and later the bathrooms on the second floor of the main building, the bathrooms in one of the dorms, and the bathrooms in one of the school buildings. It most definitely was difficult to motivate myself, but I was able to keep up with the demand for my first year. My second year was a different story.
Halfway through my first year, I was introduced to someone I thought to be very preppy and intimidating. He was tall, his facial hair made him seem older and a little rough around the edges, with a sturdy frame, and a light hearted attitude. My first impression was, "This guy is different." But of course, at the time, I wanted nothing to do with dating so that hadn't even entered my mind. Rhys quickly became part of my group of friends and we found ourselves hanging out quite often. There were times when he'd offer to take me into to town so I could buy some new pants or winter gear (I had to walk from my dorm a ways away from the main building even in -50 weather). One time, I remember being invited to see a movie at the theater and Rhys was planning on taking a car full of people, but when the time came to leave, I was the only one in the car with him. I found that odd, but I was excited to get off campus and enjoy myself for the night. The movie was "The Core" and I didn't realize what the rating was, but I knew it would be a bit of a scarey movie... I just thought I could handle it. BUT half way through the movie, I ducked my head away during a scarey scene and felt a hand over my eyes.... because I had turned toward Rhys and he noticed my sensitivity, he used his hand to shield my eyes. Another scene caused me to do the same again and this time Rhys not only covered my eyes, but kissed the top of my head as well. These things caught me off guard, and having not experienced anything like this, I wasn't sure what to do about it or what to say. It wasn't something I didn't like, but it wasn't something I had expected or really wanted to happen either. Being the silly naive girl I was, I just allowed things to happen they way they did and I'd deal with them later after I had a good long think about it. After the movie, we left the theater hand in hand. Rhys announced that we had made a decision and we assumed the title of "couple". That was March 23rd, 2003.
At my dorm room, getting ready for bed that night, I thought and thought and wondered and prayed. I was so confused. I wasn't at college to start a new relationship. I wasn't prepared to connect myself to someone else yet, I was still trying to figure out who I was in Christ. What was I supposed to do? Was this God or me?
The next time Rhys and I went into to town, I said a quick prayer as he filled his car up at a store gas station. I asked that God would give me a sign, like that of the wet fur and dry ground. I prayed God would give me a rose. Then I decided I needed to pray for a specific color of rose so I chose red. Then I quickly changed my mind when I realized that I didn't want just red, because red symbolizes passion. I wanted a white rose that symbolizes purity. Yes, a white rose of purity. Rhys came back from the store after paying for the gas and handed me the biggest PINK rose I'd ever seen. PINK! What was I supposed to do with this??? It wasn't EXACTLY what I had asked for so it must not have been from God......... then conviction set in and I realized that God had put both passion and purity into the rose and made a HUGE statement with the size of the rose He gave me. Yes, this relationship was God's choice for me, not mine. This was God's plan for me, not just mine. This was His promise to me.
Sometime before my first year at college ended, Rhys and I made the decision that we were meant to be together and would be married after my second year of college. We set the date for July 10th, 2004 because it was almost dead center between our birthdays and it would give us time to prepare for the wedding when college ended.
Saying goodbye that first time was so hard for me. It wasn't that I was afraid I'd never see him again, I had just grown so close to him, seeing him every day for a few months on end to suddenly be without him was hard to accept. He was now my world.
That second year of college was a huge blur for me. I was planning my wedding, trying to keep up with my courses and other responsibilities as an upper class-men. I still had PWE to deal with, but now I was in charge of a group of people... I was supposed to hold meetings and support each of my underlings so they were motivated to do their jobs (unlike I was myself). I slacked so much in my job that I was demoted and put under strict surveillance to ensure that I did what I was instructed. I even underwent psych-therapy to figure out how to deal with my emotions in a more manageable way. To me, it was one more thing to add to my plate, but in the long run, it did help me understand that I can control how I feel and I can work through things using God's word as truth to measure my thoughts against.
When that school year finally ended, I was relieved and so very excited to get ready to start my life with Rhys.
You can read about our wedding day here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/july-10-2004.html
When Rhys and I had first married, I was far from home again, only this time, it was permanent. I began to miss my family back in Alaska very badly. It was torturous some days. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a vehicle, I didn't know hardly anyone in the area we lived. The only people I remotely knew was Rhys' family, which consisted of his parents who were much older than my own, his sister who is 1 year younger than my mother, his nephew and niece, and a few of his friends that didn't seem to care to much to get to know me at all. I felt so out of place. I felt so alone. I felt that if I could just have a baby, then at least I'd have someone with me at all times that would love me back the way I want them to. Rhys was always working it seemed and once we got married, things changed in our relationship. We treated each other differently. I didn't understand, I was so very confused, and had so many expectations that weren't being met.... in fact, I felt stepped on and used.
You can read about my struggle further here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/so-jacob-served-seven-years-for-rachel.html
February 4, 2007 changed our relationship again. This time, I understood better what my role as "wife" was and how I fit into this world. More importantly, I FINALLY knew better who I was through Christ and began to understand how God truly feels about me as His child.
The next stage in my life was also a struggle, but it was a short stage. Coming to grips with the possibility that I may not have been created to bear children, that I my not have my own flesh and blood to raise. You can read about that here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/so-she-said-to-abram-lord-has-kept-me.html

Being pregnant was my biggest dream coming true! God had blessed me beyond my wildest dreams with this child and I was so very grateful to have the chance to  have charge over one of His precious ones. His pregnancy was pleasant and healthy and delightful. Feeling him move was strange, but the most amazing feeling I'd ever experienced. Knowing there was a life within me was also strange, but I felt so very privileged to have been chosen to take on such a responsibility.
I had ideas about how labor and delivery would go (especially after dreaming about it for so long and hoping for this experience), I also figured I would have complete control once the child was born. Raising him was going to be so simple and straight forward.... HA! Wow, I was so delusional! I had never even held a new born, let alone tried to feed one, change one, or bath one. I mean, I had experience with baby birds and feeding them every 15 minutes in the middle of the night, but that only lasted about 2 weeks at most! I had NO IDEA what was in store for Rhys and I once this child came into our lives.
I remember rushing off to the hospital once my water broke late that Sunday night on December 23rd, 2007. Rhys was in a hurry to get me to the hospital, but a few red lights forced him to pause for a few minutes. I hadn't even felt any contractions yet, but we were sure this baby could come ANY MINUTE! I hadn't even changed my clothes or put a pad in to soak up the continuous flow of amniotic fluid. My pants were soaked and I was frantic, thinking this child would be here SOON! I tried to wait patiently as we were checked in, monitored, and then finally admitted. The nurses seemed to be calm throughout all of this.... too calm in my opinion. "Shouldn't they be rushing around, boiling some water or something?" I thought. I think I saw one to many tv shows about labor and delivery.
Six hours of a slow, but steady labor, concluded in the birth of a healthy and alert 8lbs 3oz 21in long baby boy at 4:15am December 24th, 2007. I wanted more from his birth, because I had hoped for a home birth and a completely natural unassisted birth, but I couldn't complain about the experience because of my beautiful son and the fact that it was about HIM, not me or my experience. He was healthy and alive, that was all that mattered to me. I was extremely content with life at that point in time.
Looking back, I think I had actually centered life around Evan. Rhys took a back burner for me, because I had this little being who depended upon me to care for his every need. Even taking care of myself was put on a back burner. I wore myself out. I had such high expectations for my performance as a mother, but I couldn't reach all the goals I set for myself.... to be the best mom I could be for Evan.
I got so wrapped up in Evan, that when I found out I was pregnant again, I had a hard time connecting to the second child during his pregnancy as well as I did with connecting with Evan during his pregnancy. I was miserable during that pregnancy. I was due at the end of July so I was my biggest when it was the hottest, I was swollen, huge, sweaty, suffered from heartburn, and my back caused me a lot of pain. I had several false alarms with this second pregnancy and the "practice" contractions were not kind to me at all. I was done with being pregnant July 30, 2009, the due date. Besides the braxton hicks contractions and being 2-4cm dilated, I had no signs of labor whatsoever, but I was admitted into the hospital because I was dilated at least that much. After a few hours of no progress, the doctor came in to see me... at this point, I had enough and I just wanted this child out of me so I used a bit of information that I knew might work. I asked if they could rupture the amniotic sack and hopefully get things moving. If I wouldn't have been dilated as much as I was, they would have denied my request. So they broke the bag of waters and after 1 hour of very fast labor, Tristan was born 8lbs 4oz 18in long July 30th, 2009. I birthed him on my hands and knees (making the nurses and doctor very unhappy with me), because I was having hard back labor.... but I suffered 2nd degree tares because of it. When he came out, Tristan was swollen, bruised, and I continued to feel disconnected. I felt terrible that I didn't feel the same way about this child as I did with the first. I remember trying to take a picture of Tristan and myself because I hadn't done so yet after a few weeks, but with Evan I'd taken at least a dozen by then. I remember trying to make it look as though I loved him so very deeply, but after looking at the picture, it seemed so awkward. It tore me up inside thinking I wasn't in love with him like I was with Evan. I've come to realize now that it wasn't that I didn't love Tristan at that time, but I was more than likely dealing with postpartum depression and refused to accept it. Now that I understand, if it were to happen again, I'd reach out for help.
When Tristan was 10 months old, Abigail came into our lives. It was as though we suddenly gave birth to another child (though she was 5) and our house was adjusting to life with an additional family member after less than a year of welcoming our second child. It turned our lives upside down. Our lives have changed dramatically after each child, but even more so after Abigail came.
Only a few months after Abi arrived, she lay in her bed, praying as she would every night, but this night she prayed for a baby brother or sister. About a month later, we found out we were expecting.... again! By this time, I've reconciled my feelings of disconnection with Tristan and all my children have become special to me in different ways. But finding out we were pregnant with child #4 did cause a little stress.... it was a huge blessing and surprise, but it definitely did cause some stress. With Abigail going to school and my due date being toward the end of the school year, I wondered how I'd manage the 3 kids and the pregnancy and being miserable like I was with Tristan. Well, God provided us with an amazing amount of grace and He blessed me with an amazing pregnancy (even better than Evan's). When it came time for him to arrive, my labor and delivery with him was smooth and refreshing. I experienced pain, but I didn't tare, I didn't bleed hardly at all, and after he was born May 15, 2011, Arkin 7lbs 4oz 21in long was extremely easy to care for. I fed him right away and he slept for 3 hours... this was his norm until he started teething months later. He slept through the night around 8 weeks, he rarely cried, and he was healthy and strong. The transition to a family of 6 was so easy and effortless. God truly blessed us.
Each and every one of our children have been a huge blessing to us. I mean, after being told I couldn't have children in the first place, I'm blown away by what God has given us. He truly is faithful and keeps His promises. I know now to hold to His truths when it comes to doubt and concerns... I'm sure there will be times when I worry and struggle with something, but I know who to turn to and nothing is impossible with Him!
With that said, I am now pregnant with our 5th child and couldn't be happier with where God is leading us. He's carried us through so many other hardships and struggles, there couldn't be anything out there that He cannot handle on our behalf. I'm excited to see what He does with us from here on out! I'm even more excited to learn more about my purpose in this life and how best I can serve my Lord and Savior. Glory to God! He's SO good!