Abigail, though far away, continued to grow in our hearts. We thought about her and prayed for her, knowing God had a purpose for her in our lives some how. The contact between Susan and I had dwindled down to nil during my pregnancy with Evan, so we had no way of knowing if Abigail was okay or even still with her mother. But one day (I'm not sure if it was before or after Evan was born), out of the blue, Susan wrote an apology letter meant only for Rhys and I. She sent it to a mutual friend of ours who was then instructed to deliver her message to us when he felt the time was right. After reading her letter and responding with forgiveness and love, the silence between us continued. The letter confirmed to me that Susan isn't all bad. She has good in her. I still understood that she was continuing on a path she set for herself... a bumpy, rough, and painful road.
You see, Susan grew up feeling unloved and rejected from her family. She left home as a young teen, lived a homeless life on the streets of Halifax and found herself pregnant and alone. The men in her life have never been the kind to commit or even treat her with respect... perhaps it might have been that she didn't even respect herself, I don't know. The life she led up to the point that I met her was not one made with wise or healthy choices and she had already begun to pay for those mistakes. As a young teen mother, Susan struggled. She could barely care for herself and yet had to care for her young son as well. Sadly, she lost her son in a court battle with his father, but the most painful blow for her was the support of her own mother was focused on her opponent. The emotional turmoil continued to build against her mother and drove them apart even further. Years passed and Susan found herself pregnant again. In March 2005, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with big brown eyes. Abigail was welcomed into the world by what seemed to be a stable family: her mother and her mother's boyfriend (who, even though he wasn't the father, stuck by Susan throughout her pregnancy). This is about where I came into the picture. Since I've known Susan, she's gone back and forth between different men, but continued to come back to the guy who stuck by her during her pregnancy with Abi. From what I understand, her life began spiralling downward faster when she returned to Martin the last time. The lack of care and love Abi received from that point on got worse and worse... which indicated to me that Susan was struggling to get a grip on even just taking care of herself again and that she wasn't coping well with the stresses of motherhood (having never cared for a child as old as Abigail was and dealing with the trials that come with the toddler and preschool years). Part of me felt bad for her, because she didn't have the support of a strong family or community network to help her raise her child.
When a mutual friend of Susan's and mine informed me that she and Abigail had returned to our town and were homeless once again, I felt obligated to step in and help. My only set back was knowing how she had used and abused the love and support we'd given her before... which is why I chose to wait a few weeks until I just couldn't stand it any longer. I had to help, I couldn't not help. Not only did Susan need my help, but Abigail needed help.
Before Susan returned this time, she had just ended things once and for all with Martin (which confused and hurt Abigail more than Susan will probably ever know). She and Abigail left with basically the clothes on their bodies and whatever they could pack into Susan's backpack. They had stayed with a few different friends, sleeping on couches and floors. Because Susan didn't have an income, she couldn't afford an apartment. Because they didn't have an apartment, Abi couldn't go to kindergarten in the fall. Also, Abi desperately needed more clothes, because she hadn't been fully potty trained and her soiled clothes were just being thrown out. Before I caught up with her, Susan was able to use her connection with a friend of a friend to acquire a cheap apartment. With the apartment came more needs: beds, furniture, food... even little things like a garbage can, pots and pans, dishes, and toys and clothes for Abigail.
Knowing some of this, I couldn't just leave things the way they were. I felt I needed to get involved and so did Rhys. After much discussion, we decided that it would be a good idea if I babysat for Susan while she job hunted. We also gathered as many donations of clothes, dishes, and other things for their apartment as we could from our generous friends, to ensure that they were fitted at least with the necessities.
I had hoped that my influence would have some effect on Susan and the way she cared for Abigail, but with Susan it was hard to tell if you were really getting through or she was just putting on an act to make you feel better about what you were doing to help her so she could continue to use you in whatever way she could bend you. I believe there were times when she truly did feel convicted for the way she treated Abi after seeing how I took care of my sons.
I remember hearing Abigail say depressing things like how she believed her mother just didn't love her anymore, to which I'd reply, "She's stressed out with job hunting and just trying to be a better mother. She really is trying." But on the inside, at the time, I wasn't completely sure if Susan really was doing what she could to be a better mother or even take care of herself. It broke my heart to hear Abi say those things, but I didn't want to think she really meant them... I went with the idea that she was over dramatising things.
Later on, I'd find out otherwise.
So many times, when Abi was younger when I was taking care of her, I wished I could just keep her as my own. During this time in 2010, I continued to feel that way and just wanted to take her home with me to stay forever. It was as though I knew she was supposed to be my child, but someone else had legal rights to her.
When Susan finally opened up to me and told me all the things she'd been doing and that she truly was convicted for treating Abi that way and wanted to avoid the possibility of making things any worse, my heart lept out of my chest for a moment. But internally, I stopped to think a moment. Our very close friends were hoping to adopt one day, they knew Abi (not well, but they knew her)... they would be good candidates to take Abi in. Or what about Maylea, our mutual friend that introduced us so many years before... she was single now and seemed to love Abi nearly as much as I did. I couldn't forget about all the people throughout Abi's life that have expressed their love and concern for Abi... one of them should at least be given the opportunity to take Abi in so she would be able to ease into their family comfortably, having known them for so long and knowing that they truly do care for her. I made mention to Susan that there were many people that loved Abi dearly and would take her in, trying to divert her from just dropping Abi off in a foster home. It didn't seem like it made Susan uncomfortable to think someone she knew could take Abigail and after a long discussion with her, it was clear to me that Abigail couldn't stay even one more night in that apartment with her mother. I offered to bring Abi home with me (after talking it over with Rhys, of course), not knowing if it would be permanent or temporary. Susan agreed.
I have never seen someone so emotionless during such a life changing moment as we packed up all of Abigail's belongings, buckled her into my van, and drove away. Susan and Abigail both did not shed a tear, barely even hugged good-bye, and cared nothing about seeing each other for days after. But to me, the most important thing was: now Abi is safe! I didn't even think for the first few weeks that we might be adopting her, because as far as I knew, Susan would be getting her life in order and returning for her daughter. That wasn't the case.
I could sense that Susan wasn't going to change, though I had high hopes that she would. Something inside of me said that Susan was going to be gone for a long time, I just didn't know how long.
I remember seeing her off as she headed to Calgary, expecting to be back the following summer. Before she left, I did ask her to report herself for what she'd done to Abi, but her response was cold and unattached to Abi... she didn't want to go back to jail and would do whatever she could to avoid it. I had hoped that she would take responsibility for her actions toward Abigail, because if she didn't, I would have to in obligation to the law.
Reporting Susan was one of the most difficult choices I've ever made. I knew it would mean severing our friendship, but Abigail's safety was worth it to me. Protecting Abigail was my priority, but no amount of pleading and encouragement would show Susan that I wasn't doing this to hurt her, but to help her... it would have been the first step toward reconciliation between her and her daughter. It would have been her first step onto the right path in life and get things back on track with God. I did it because I love her and want the best for her AND for Abigail.
Once the report was given, things changed and Abigail's stay with us began to look more and more permanent. The courts approved guardianship and parenting orders to ensure we'd have the rights we needed to care for Abi legally. The only thing missing, according to my heart, was a legal document stating that Abigail had become a Johnson.
In December of 2010, Rhys and I both felt it was time to accept that Abigail should be part of our family indefinitely, permanently, perpetually, continually, officially... forever. So we attempted to begin that process, but repeatedly failed to even get it started because Susan was unreachable (emotionally, physically, and through communication). We couldn't complete the forms without something from one or both parents.
Two years have passed now. We gained contact to several of Susan's family members and 'friends', but none of them could help us much more than providing their own accounts as witnesses for court (which we ended up not needing). We have even gone as far as going through Legal Aid and attaining a lawyer to go to battle to keep Abigail from Susan (who attempted to revoke our guardianship rights). Though Susan had been granted visitations, we had also been granted permission to travel across the boarder with Abi. A few months ago, Susan began to cancel her visitations with Abi, even though Abi seemed to enjoy them and was happy to see her mother again... we had noticed that after being accident free for over a year, Abi was back to pooping and peeing her pants when her mother came back into her life in November 2011.
Since the cancellations, Susan has dropped off the face of the earth again and PACE (the organisation that supervises visits between children and estranged parents/family members) has decided to discontinue further visitations between Susan and Abigail... first of all, because of Susan's lack of interest in her daughter over the course of 2 months and secondly, because Abigail wasn't fairing the visits well (with the accidents and some of the things Susan would say during the visits, among other things).
Thankfully, Abigail has been doing much better and has been growing and changing and become much more stable in her place in our family (legal/official or not).
As I've said many times before: when we decided to adopt Abigail, we knew it wouldn't be easy with the way that Susan is, but no matter how long it takes, we're in it for the long haul. Until then, we will continue to believe and live our lives as though Abi already is a Johnson.... I'm just excited to think that she may one day soon have a piece of paper that states it legally. Because, Abi is our little girl. She has been since God placed her in our hearts many years ago. We believe He's prepared us for her from the very beginning.... having waited 3 years to have our first child only to find out that our first child was actually born 8 months after Rhys and I were married, she was just with another family until a time when our Father in heaven saw it fit to place her in our arms. We've waited this long, we can wait as long as it takes... Abigail is worth it!
