My Teshuva

Many of my first memories took place in a baptist church in Juneau, Alaska. It's where I was introduced to Jesus and heard about God's love for the first time. It's also where my mom and step dad accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and saviour.... so I followed suit. It wasn't necessarily that I did it because they did it, but because I saw what it did to them and how it changed them, I wanted that. From that point on, I remember trying to get to know Jesus, listening intently to each and every story from the Bible I could so I could find out who this man was that I had living in my heart. My aunt and grandma were heavily involved in the church, worship leaders, children's church volunteers, and street ministry (mostly musical ministry). I always thought they were the best examples for me to imitate, because they were "good christians". My parents were also trying hard to live pure and holy lives, forsaking much of their past habits for Bibles and the prophecies within. I remember crawling out of bed and across the floor to see what they were learning about the Bible on tv, which turned out to scare the pants off of me because images of dragons with horns, lion like beasts with several heads, and other horrifying pictures flashed before my eyes. I soon learned that if you didn't truly love Jesus, you might miss the rapture and see these things for real.......... I couldn't let that happen! I was focused on DOING what was right and BEING good, at least to prove that I was good so no one could say I shouldn't go to heaven. Oh the misguided minds of young children.... or was is just me?

The 1970s version of "Left Behind" really sacred me bad, when your first thought is "Did everyone get raptured?!?!" comes to mind when you call out and no one answers right away. The scene when the little girls screams when her sister and mother don't answer her calls to them..... yeah, I did that a few times, but my cries were met with anger, frustration, and mockery. I was so very concerned with possibly being "left behind" while everyone else was actually purer in heart than I was and taken up without me. It was about then when I started paying more attention during the sermons in church. I felt more confident in my security in salvation, but I still knew I was imperfect and had problems. Several years passed and my mind was more at ease, believing I was saved and Christ's blood covered me and grace would keep me from being "left behind" because I was reading the Bible sometimes. I knew I could do more and should do more, but it wasn't necessary. During this "safe" time in my life, I allowed temptation to carry me further than it should have.... this is when I started having secret boyfriends (nothing serious, I thought... none of them ever kissed me, many of them barely even held my hand) and started wearing clothes to school or away from home that weren't modest in any way shape or form. I felt I was on the edge of being bad, but I was still a good girl. 

Into my late teens, I remember reading and hearing bits of scripture that concerned me again.... things like "I wish you were cold or hot, but because you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth." I was confused by those kind of verses, but never tried to look deeper into it so I could continue to be comfortable in the life I was living, doing what I wanted without consequences. That choice caught up with me when I sat at the dinner table one evening. My step dad confronted me about a rumor concerning my loss of virginity while I was overnight at a friend's house. I was devastated. My parents were heartbroken. It wasn't that I had sex, but that I had been found out... I wasn't the good girl I thought I was. I had deceived my family, friends, and community into thinking I was perfect (or so I thought). I began to believe lies about my character, about my spiritual life, about my intelligence. I became depressed, suicidal, and believed everyone must know my dirtiest grossest secret... I couldn't be trusted, I was disgusting,, I wasn't worth anyone's time, I didn't deserve a happy relationship with a guy, I was never going to be good enough for anyone, God saw my heart and there was no way my name would be in the Book of Life now.

Being accepted into PRBI in Alberta, Canada was the beginning of a fresh start for me. Way out there, no one would know my darkest secret, no one would know how disgusting I truly was, no one could judge me until they got to know me..... maybe I could become that good person I was supposed to be. But I chose to not worry so much about doing, but learning. I wanted to find the roots of my faith so I could figure out what I needed to know... get a firm foundation under me so I couldn't be shaken like that again.

The college was full of young people like me, lost and confused about who they were and what their purposes were in this life. The biggest question I had wasn't "Who am I?" as much as "Who is God exactly?" I wanted to get to know Him better, but I didn't understand Who He even was or if He even loved me the way pastors and peers professed He did. I still didn't get much for answers, but I learned some good bits of scripture to encourage me in times of struggle.

Then I met and married Rhys, who became my world. When he didn't fulfill my desires the way I expected him to, I had to find another person, place, or thing to make the center of my universe. God wasn't on that list, though I'd pretend he was so I could come across as good anyway. That's when I found myself looking for affection in all the wrong places, despising myself more and more, digging myself a deeper and deeper whole. I got depressed again, suicidal again, and completely disconnected from Rhys and anyone else who actually cared for me. 

The last time I left Rhys, I thought I had the chance of finding someone who would love me the way I wanted them to, because God wasn't doing it and my husband certainly wan't either. But deep down in my heart, I knew it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted it.... I knew I wouldn't like where my life was heading. I knew I needed God, even though He seemed to hate me and abandoned me. Oh how wrong was I!

The day of "The Change" was the beginning of my true repentance. I finally had a desire to truly become pure, to truly find peace and joy in God and God alone! I felt like a whole person again! It was painful to admit I was wrong. It was painful to accept that I was sinning. It was painful to think that I went through all that crap to accept something that was free.... God's love was always waiting for me to grab a hold of it. I didn't know what to do with it at that point, but I knew then that God truly did love me and that He truly did have a purpose for me, and that I AM His child... and nothing and no one can ever change that.

I've found many many many areas in my heart that need cleaning out. Some more than others. Some are harder to deal with than others... the longer I've held on to the lies or sinful behavior, the harder it is to let it go. But one thing is a constant: the benefits! I can breath deep the freedom I have from different things that used to hold me down in bondage. I might struggle with a thought or two every now and then, but those things no longer control my actions and they never will, because I am secure in knowing Who I belong to. I am secure in knowing Who cares for me. I am secure in knowing that what I am doing, feeling, thinking, and saying are as close to pure as I can be right now.... even with the cobwebs and dust bunnies lurking in corners. I know that His grace is sufficient, but I also know that I can please Him by doing my best to imitate Him in all that I am. I may not be perfect, I may not be completely pure, but one day, when all things come to an end, I believe it's very possible I will be.... and all those who have chosen to walk in His ways.