I had longed to be a mother since I was very very young. At the age of nine, I was dreaming about birthing children. At the age of 16, I had already chosen the names I wanted for my children... I was 8 when I discovered the first name I would save until the child it belonged to could be born. Even though I had never experienced being around pregnant women, watched a mother nurse her infant, or held a tiny baby; I knew it was my purpose in life to become a mother and nurture my children. It is the biggest desire of my heart: to be Mommy.
As a child, I remember falling in love with my baby dolls and giving them names, pretending that they were real and truly needed me and my love. I'd force my siblings to play house and I would be the mommy. I was extremely bossy.... but I thought that's what mommies were supposed to do.
I was the girl at church that volunteered in nursery and children's church, didn't care if I got paid for babysitting because I enjoyed it so much, and spent as much time around little ones as I could.
It had been engrained into my vary being that I was to care for God's precious ones. He had created me with a huge compassionate heart toward children, babies especially.
As I grew into teen-hood, I found the sight of pregnant women to be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't wait to get married and experience pregnancy for myself. When I began dating my first serious boyfriend, I had decided how old I'd be when we got married, how old I'd be when we started having children (which was later than I really wanted to as he wanted to wait to have kids til we were older and financially stable, but I just didn't want to wait). I had even figured out how many kids would be the perfect number to have: 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. How silly I was for thinking I could control any of those things much less just getting married.
When the relationship between my first boyfriend and I ended, my dreams of being married seemed almost impossible. Right out of high school, I decided to send myself to college... the college my ex-boyfriend and I were supposed to have attended together. The college, however, was thousands of miles away from home in Alberta, Canada, where I knew no one but my pastor's son. Before leaving for college, I felt drawn to leave home and find God and learn more about who Christ defines me as... a relationship with a guy was the last thing I wanted to pursue after the experience I had with my resent breakup.
College was intimidating. It wasn't only that the classes were more difficult than I had thought, but also that I was putting myself through college and FAR from home. I missed my family terribly and didn't know how difficult it would be to stretch the money I had made while finishing high school. God was there though. He knew what I needed and provided exactly what I needed when I needed it. I made some very good friends and connected with a family that treated me as one of their own while I was away from home.
The classes didn't seem to make as much of an impact on my future as the relationships I made with people in the 2 years that I was there. BUT I did learn quite a bit about God's word and studied it and began to understand God's unfailing love that He has for me.
My biggest struggle during that time was learning to have a servants heart and participating in PWE (Practical Work Experience) whether I wanted to or not. The students at college had all been assigned different jobs around campus to help keep the tuition prices low. They use the resumes from each student to determine where they'd best fit and because I had a resume full of janitorial experience, they put me on bathroom duty. I was selected with one other student to clean the bathrooms in the cafeteria and later the bathrooms on the second floor of the main building, the bathrooms in one of the dorms, and the bathrooms in one of the school buildings. It most definitely was difficult to motivate myself, but I was able to keep up with the demand for my first year. My second year was a different story.
Halfway through my first year, I was introduced to someone I thought to be very preppy and intimidating. He was tall, his facial hair made him seem older and a little rough around the edges, with a sturdy frame, and a light hearted attitude. My first impression was, "This guy is different." But of course, at the time, I wanted nothing to do with dating so that hadn't even entered my mind. Rhys quickly became part of my group of friends and we found ourselves hanging out quite often. There were times when he'd offer to take me into to town so I could buy some new pants or winter gear (I had to walk from my dorm a ways away from the main building even in -50 weather). One time, I remember being invited to see a movie at the theater and Rhys was planning on taking a car full of people, but when the time came to leave, I was the only one in the car with him. I found that odd, but I was excited to get off campus and enjoy myself for the night. The movie was "The Core" and I didn't realize what the rating was, but I knew it would be a bit of a scarey movie... I just thought I could handle it. BUT half way through the movie, I ducked my head away during a scarey scene and felt a hand over my eyes.... because I had turned toward Rhys and he noticed my sensitivity, he used his hand to shield my eyes. Another scene caused me to do the same again and this time Rhys not only covered my eyes, but kissed the top of my head as well. These things caught me off guard, and having not experienced anything like this, I wasn't sure what to do about it or what to say. It wasn't something I didn't like, but it wasn't something I had expected or really wanted to happen either. Being the silly naive girl I was, I just allowed things to happen they way they did and I'd deal with them later after I had a good long think about it. After the movie, we left the theater hand in hand. Rhys announced that we had made a decision and we assumed the title of "couple". That was March 23rd, 2003.
At my dorm room, getting ready for bed that night, I thought and thought and wondered and prayed. I was so confused. I wasn't at college to start a new relationship. I wasn't prepared to connect myself to someone else yet, I was still trying to figure out who I was in Christ. What was I supposed to do? Was this God or me?
The next time Rhys and I went into to town, I said a quick prayer as he filled his car up at a store gas station. I asked that God would give me a sign, like that of the wet fur and dry ground. I prayed God would give me a rose. Then I decided I needed to pray for a specific color of rose so I chose red. Then I quickly changed my mind when I realized that I didn't want just red, because red symbolizes passion. I wanted a white rose that symbolizes purity. Yes, a white rose of purity. Rhys came back from the store after paying for the gas and handed me the biggest PINK rose I'd ever seen. PINK! What was I supposed to do with this??? It wasn't EXACTLY what I had asked for so it must not have been from God......... then conviction set in and I realized that God had put both passion and purity into the rose and made a HUGE statement with the size of the rose He gave me. Yes, this relationship was God's choice for me, not mine. This was God's plan for me, not just mine. This was His promise to me.
Sometime before my first year at college ended, Rhys and I made the decision that we were meant to be together and would be married after my second year of college. We set the date for July 10th, 2004 because it was almost dead center between our birthdays and it would give us time to prepare for the wedding when college ended.
Saying goodbye that first time was so hard for me. It wasn't that I was afraid I'd never see him again, I had just grown so close to him, seeing him every day for a few months on end to suddenly be without him was hard to accept. He was now my world.
That second year of college was a huge blur for me. I was planning my wedding, trying to keep up with my courses and other responsibilities as an upper class-men. I still had PWE to deal with, but now I was in charge of a group of people... I was supposed to hold meetings and support each of my underlings so they were motivated to do their jobs (unlike I was myself). I slacked so much in my job that I was demoted and put under strict surveillance to ensure that I did what I was instructed. I even underwent psych-therapy to figure out how to deal with my emotions in a more manageable way. To me, it was one more thing to add to my plate, but in the long run, it did help me understand that I can control how I feel and I can work through things using God's word as truth to measure my thoughts against.
When that school year finally ended, I was relieved and so very excited to get ready to start my life with Rhys.
You can read about our wedding day here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/july-10-2004.html
When Rhys and I had first married, I was far from home again, only this time, it was permanent. I began to miss my family back in Alaska very badly. It was torturous some days. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a vehicle, I didn't know hardly anyone in the area we lived. The only people I remotely knew was Rhys' family, which consisted of his parents who were much older than my own, his sister who is 1 year younger than my mother, his nephew and niece, and a few of his friends that didn't seem to care to much to get to know me at all. I felt so out of place. I felt so alone. I felt that if I could just have a baby, then at least I'd have someone with me at all times that would love me back the way I want them to. Rhys was always working it seemed and once we got married, things changed in our relationship. We treated each other differently. I didn't understand, I was so very confused, and had so many expectations that weren't being met.... in fact, I felt stepped on and used.
You can read about my struggle further here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/so-jacob-served-seven-years-for-rachel.html
February 4, 2007 changed our relationship again. This time, I understood better what my role as "wife" was and how I fit into this world. More importantly, I FINALLY knew better who I was through Christ and began to understand how God truly feels about me as His child.
The next stage in my life was also a struggle, but it was a short stage. Coming to grips with the possibility that I may not have been created to bear children, that I my not have my own flesh and blood to raise. You can read about that here: http://beyondrestored.blogspot.ca/2012/02/so-she-said-to-abram-lord-has-kept-me.html
